Mental Health

One Body, One Life

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This #MentalHealthMonday is a doozy for me as I fight to #endthestigma and challenge my perfectionism and social anxiety. TW: self-harm.

Growing up I struggled with self-harm; Sasha constantly told me that I would be more beautiful with bruises and scars covering my body, so I did as she said and destroyed my body, again and again. And she was happy, again and again. It wasn’t until I saw a therapist here in San Diego and admitted to what I was doing that I realized it was wrong. Sasha was mad that I had shared our secret, so she made me feel exponential shame, which she soothed by convincing me to hurt myself once more. The cycle continued.

One day- I can’t tell you what was so special about this day- I decided to give my limbs and skin a break from the beating they were taking. And I picked up a paintbrush. Don’t ask me why I decided to opt for an art form I had never tried before. Sasha told me I was shit, and that I shouldn’t even try. But something in me told her to sit down, and she did.

Below you will see what came from this art project. It ended up moving me beyond belief and filling me in ways my self-harm never could. Suddenly, everything I was feeling was on my body. Better yet, it was temporary. Paint does no harm, and this was the day that my self-harm went into hibernation.

The poetry below represents my twisted thoughts during my self-injury period.

On April 3, 2018 I collected all of the items I used to harm myself and gave them to my therapist. I made a commitment to safety. To love my body and it’s beauty, with and without scars.

 

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with hands around your throat
and scars across your face
you have a story to tell
that makes you more interesting
than you were before
the bruises will heal
but the stories
never will

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skin is a blank canvas
meant to be punctured
with spatters of painted blood
that turn something
ordinary
into something
extraordinary

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porcelain they call it
but they never understood
something so empty and fragile
was bound to break
and create many more
fragments to love

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rest easy child
i have you now
your battles are mine
to fight
it’s time for you 
to let go
and leave it
to me

endless poetry

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I have felt so filled up by poems lately. I appreciate those who follow along. Writing has eased the depression- somehow making it seem manageable.

To those who struggle with mental illness: let your art heal you. Anyone can create anything. Your soul is hungry. Try feeding it.

-k

Perfectionism and the Creative Process

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Nothing is good enough.

Too much punctuation

Not enough punctuation.

lowercase adds to the poetry

But looks wrong.

Stop.

Backspace

Not good enough…

Will people want to read this?

Of course not

they don’t care.

Change it so it appeases my

friends*

on social media who I don’t really

Know.

Wait.

Delete.

Distract.

Delay.

Wait for a better idea

something that is profound

that will get a thousand likes and

hundreds of shares.

What do my friends and family

want to hear?

Will they be proud of me?

[no]

Not good enough…

Wait.

why am I trying to appease

everyone else

but me,

the author

poet

writer

[fraud]

Move those words around.

They don’t make sense like that.

[Stupid}

Too many judgments

I can’t catch them all

They’re heavy

I’m

 

falling.

 

 

The weight

 

 

is too great

 

…

 

 

 

endless.

the pit is endless.

i can’t get back up.

too much self

judgment.

I’m tired.

Too tired

to try again.

 

put down the rope.

 

Her voice is in my head

Like a lighthouse

swinging it’s light

round and round

to bring ships home

to safety.

Put down the rope.

Let go of the judgments.

 

It’s ok

I know you can do it

[artist]

It will be messy

Art is messy

Art is not just for everyone

else.

Art is for you.

Put down the rope

Your hands are raw and bleeding.

There’s no need to be perfect.

[no one is perfect]

No.

No one is perfect.

Time to be messy

Put down the rope

and smear those bloody hands

on your canvas.

Delete the punctuation

do what is unconventional

do what is joyful

do what is creative

for you.

 

one by one

I let the judgments go

and I float

back to the start

the blank page.

open mind

open heart

open soul

 

I rise.

putting down the rope

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I want to elaborate on the title of this blog, because I obviously chose it for a reason. So, I want you to picture a room. In one corner, there is a rope. In the opposite corner, there lies your passion, creativity, career, hobbies, relationships, etc. You can’t get to the opposite corner because you are always busy tugging on that rope, in a constant tug-of-war with whatever holds you down and tells you you’re not good enough. And when you’re busy yanking on that rope, you don’t have the freedom to do what you want because you’re so hung up on what others want, or how you might be perceived. Well, I have a lot I want to say, and I’m tired of fearing judgment. My arms are getting tired.

I am a queer woman who has more than one passion; speaks more than one language; has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression; is recovering from an eating disorder; has a chronic illness; is a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend; yearns to travel; loves to roller skate; doesn’t regret the past. I am so many stories held together with skin, muscle, and bone. Much like you.

In the past I’ve often felt alone in my stories- I write to connect with others. To you. Human connection is the most important thing on Planet Earth, and I want more of it. I want others to not feel alone, as I did. I want others to find something in my stories they can relate to. I want you to put down your rope and live your life pursuing your passions. All of that can start with some words on a page.

I will be honest on this blog. I will share the successes and the challenges of my life. It won’t always be pretty, but life isn’t always peaches and roses. I value ending the stigma surrounding mental health, so that is the approach I will take here. Most importantly, I strive to make this blog unabashedly, and unapologetically me. I have fought social anxiety and perfectionism for a long time; I constantly worry about judgment from others, or how I can put others’ happiness before my own. It’s time I put down the rope, end the tug-of-war, and write for me.

 

 

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the journey that defies perfectionism

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Hello all!

It has been a crazy long time since I have used this blog, so I decided to do a bit of rebranding. To those of you who have been here before, welcome back! To those who are new to my blog, thank you for taking the time to catch a glimpse into my life!

I’ve been doing a lot of work on my perfectionism lately. I love to write, and often I spend days- sometimes weeks- crafting a narrative essay or blog post. This is where I hope to lay that aside. To share my story, be myself, and not hold myself back. This blog is for me, and me alone! Though I am excited to be sharing my story with all of you wonderful readers. An important person in my life recently told me that I am often in a tug-of-war match with myself, my anxiety, my depression, my perfectionism; that I need to put down the rope and just be. So here I am!

The goal will be to post here daily; maybe that will mean I write a sentence, a paragraph, a 5-page essay. Who knows! The creativity is flowing and I am rolling with it.

So, welcome! And thanks for reading.

-K