Perfectionism and the Creative Process

Nothing is good enough.

Too much punctuation

Not enough punctuation.

lowercase adds to the poetry

But looks wrong.

Stop.

Backspace

Not good enough…

Will people want to read this?

Of course not

they don’t care.

Change it so it appeases my

friends*

on social media who I don’t really

Know.

Wait.

Delete.

Distract.

Delay.

Wait for a better idea

something that is profound

that will get a thousand likes and

hundreds of shares.

What do my friends and family

want to hear?

Will they be proud of me?

[no]

Not good enough…

Wait.

why am I trying to appease

everyone else

but me,

the author

poet

writer

[fraud]

Move those words around.

They don’t make sense like that.

[Stupid}

Too many judgments

I can’t catch them all

They’re heavy

I’m

 

falling.

 

 

The weight

 

 

is too great

 

 

 

 

endless.

the pit is endless.

i can’t get back up.

too much self

judgment.

I’m tired.

Too tired

to try again.

 

put down the rope.

 

Her voice is in my head

Like a lighthouse

swinging it’s light

round and round

to bring ships home

to safety.

Put down the rope.

Let go of the judgments.

 

It’s ok

I know you can do it

[artist]

It will be messy

Art is messy

Art is not just for everyone

else.

Art is for you.

Put down the rope

Your hands are raw and bleeding.

There’s no need to be perfect.

[no one is perfect]

No.

No one is perfect.

Time to be messy

Put down the rope

and smear those bloody hands

on your canvas.

Delete the punctuation

do what is unconventional

do what is joyful

do what is creative

for you.

 

one by one

I let the judgments go

and I float

back to the start

the blank page.

open mind

open heart

open soul

 

I rise.

putting down the rope

I want to elaborate on the title of this blog, because I obviously chose it for a reason. So, I want you to picture a room. In one corner, there is a rope. In the opposite corner, there lies your passion, creativity, career, hobbies, relationships, etc. You can’t get to the opposite corner because you are always busy tugging on that rope, in a constant tug-of-war with whatever holds you down and tells you you’re not good enough. And when you’re busy yanking on that rope, you don’t have the freedom to do what you want because you’re so hung up on what others want, or how you might be perceived. Well, I have a lot I want to say, and I’m tired of fearing judgment. My arms are getting tired.

I am a queer woman who has more than one passion; speaks more than one language; has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and depression; is recovering from an eating disorder; has a chronic illness; is a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, friend; yearns to travel; loves to roller skate; doesn’t regret the past. I am so many stories held together with skin, muscle, and bone. Much like you.

In the past I’ve often felt alone in my stories- I write to connect with others. To you. Human connection is the most important thing on Planet Earth, and I want more of it. I want others to not feel alone, as I did. I want others to find something in my stories they can relate to. I want you to put down your rope and live your life pursuing your passions. All of that can start with some words on a page.

I will be honest on this blog. I will share the successes and the challenges of my life. It won’t always be pretty, but life isn’t always peaches and roses. I value ending the stigma surrounding mental health, so that is the approach I will take here. Most importantly, I strive to make this blog unabashedly, and unapologetically me. I have fought social anxiety and perfectionism for a long time; I constantly worry about judgment from others, or how I can put others’ happiness before my own. It’s time I put down the rope, end the tug-of-war, and write for me.

 

 

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