Being a Multipotentialite: The Intimidation Factor

Recently, I came across a TEDx Talk called “Why Some of us Don’t Have One True Calling.” In it, Emilie Wapnick discusses the notion that there are individuals out there who bounce from one interest to another, and why doing that is not necessarily a bad thing.

She calls them “multipotentialites,” aka people with many interests and creative pursuits. I fall under the multipotentialite category. In fact, I am specifically a “mixed-style multipotentialite,” meaning I fall more into the right-brain side, and am happiest when I have a few different projects on my plate, but I get overwhelmed when I have too much variety. Sometimes I go through periods where I am working on many different projects, and others where I am deeply invested in one single thing.

I enjoy being a multipotentialite, even though some people don’t fully understand it. Some think I’m just being indecisive, or that I’m impressionable. Emilie taught me that being a multipod actually means I have superpowers that others don’t have. Some of those include the ability to wear many hats, fast skill acquisition, and idea synthesis. My love of many different things has provided me with an exploratory mind; one that I have used to my advantage when applying for jobs or getting projects done at work.

Now, I get to the tough part. There are many things that interest me, and there are things that I want to learn how to do, such as playing the bass, writing poetry, or doing portrait photography. I also am an activist who wants to get involved (usually in some creative way) in many different issues; mental health awareness, anti-rape and sexual assault advocacy, domestic violence prevention, ending human trafficking, eating disorder education, and more.

The reason all of these things is so tough to have rolling around in my head, is because my social anxiety tells me that I shouldn’t try new things because I won’t be good at them and I’ll just embarrass myself. I get intimidated because there are always people who will be better at playing the bass, have more poetry books published, know more about the efforts to end human trafficking, etc. etc. and I wonder why I should try if I’m only going to make a fool of myself?

My anxiety challenges the multipod in me. I have the desire to explore so much of what the world has to offer, and yet I feel hindered in doing so.

My depression also limits me as a multipotentialite. I have a very difficult time focusing, my memory is not very good, and it’s hard for me to stay motivated on the projects that excite me. And, of course, depression’s number one symptom is the lack of enjoyment in things you once enjoyed. So, when I have a number of projects that I had started that suddenly become uninteresting to me, it drags my motivation down further.

I hesitated writing this for a long time. I didn’t want to out myself as an unproductive multipotentialite. But I wouldn’t be staying true to the blog if I didn’t write about my experience with my mental health and how it affects me day-to-day.

I am still exploring how to fight this depression and anxiety, through various therapy modalities and medications. My meds were helping for a time, but now I’m back in the funk I have been in all my life. Unmotivated, unwilling, hopeless.

However, I am not completely without hope! I have been exploring Emilie’s website, Puttylike, and I’m seeing a new psychiatrist soon who will hopefully get me on meds that will make me feel like more of a functioning human. I want to be the full-blown multipotentialite that I know is lying dormant inside of me. I want to be the most productive bass-playing, photograph-taking, poetic activist that ever was! I know I can get there. I just can’t allow myself to get discouraged by the journey my anxiety and depression take me on every once in a while.

Demi Lovato: Not Just Another Overdose

I just learned of Demi Lovato’s overdose.

For those who are unaware, this is very personal and upsetting news to hear; not long ago, I almost lost a friend to an overdose. I saw the immediate effects of substance abuse when I was with them in the hospital. I watched them have seizure after seizure until they had to be so heavily medicated they couldn’t breathe on their own. Witnessing that is one of the scariest things that has ever happened to me. I can’t imagine what it must have been like for their family.

I first heard of Demi’s overdose as the punchline of a joke. I thought it was fake, just someone trying to be funny in poor taste. But then I saw stories of her in magazines and knew it had to be true. My heart broke for her and her friends and family.

I just want to say, mental illness is no joke. I’m sure most of you reading this post have been affected at one point or another by substances, and maybe you don’t understand addiction. I can tell you that my friend did not want to die. But the substances made them think they did. Overdosing is not a joke. I’m actually surprised I just typed that sentence out…

If you are struggling with an addiction, please know there is no shame in reaching out. I know it’s hard. My eating disorder was an addiction in and of itself, and it took me a long time to admit that I wasn’t just going to get better on my own. My disorder prevented me from living the best life I could. I know in the moment it doesn’t feel like there’s hope for recovery, but I promise you there is. My friend is living proof.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s 24-hour treatment referral hotline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or visit Findtreatment.samhsa.gov for free and confidential help. In the case of a medical emergency, call 9-1-1.

Allowing Failure

“You become a writer by writing, there is no other way. So, do it. Do it more. Do it better. Fail. Fail better.” -Margaret Atwood

I haven’t been blogging for a while because I’m working on a larger project in my free time. It’s time I put myself out there and allow myself to fail.

This is the largest project I’ve ever worked on and it’s pretty daunting and hugely exhilarating. I hope to share it with you eventually.

As always, thanks for reading.

-K

The Passion Spectrum

Good morning, folks!

I recently announced on my private Facebook page that I am moving back up to Los Angeles this summer. For those readers who don’t know me personally, Southern California has been my home for the last few years, and while I live close to LA now, it’s not close enough. I moved out of LA for a job, and now that the job (and treatment) is over, I’m ready to head back. Which, of course, means looking for a new job.

Which brings me to the subject of this post! What happens when your career is part of your identity, but you realize you want to switch careers? I’m currently figuring that out.

Theatre has always been a part of my identity; it’s the only passion and love I’ve ever really had. But lately, I’ve come to the realization that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt fulfilled by theatre. Particularly in a creative way. I think my time in San Diego and in treatment gave me the perfect opportunity to take a step back and take a look at what I truly want to be doing. And right now, as shocking as this realization was to me, that thing is not theatre.

A good friend of mine runs a blog called “Tipsy Theatre Traveler.” A few weeks ago she wrote this post regarding theatre and how it’s often tied to identity, and the relationship between dreams and our idea of failure. Her post really spoke to me because I definitely believe theatre is a part of what makes me me, and that has what made it so difficult to begin pursuing other career options. All my life, I have worked towards a career in theatre. I was a theatre major, I moved to Los Angeles to work in theatre, I moved to San Diego to work in theatre; this will be the first time I won’t be chasing the theatre dream. And I gotta say, it feels incredibly strange.

I don’t know what comes next for me. The last few months have been incredibly overwhelming because I haven’t known where to turn or how to begin searching for a new dream or passion. Theatre feels like all that I am. Recently, I have been starting to formulate a new career goal- which has been exciting- and yet it still feels very foreign and unlike me. Honestly, not feeling fulfilled by theatre feels very unlike me. All because it has been all that I am for most of my life. When people think of me, that’s what they see. And now that I want to change that, it feels disappointing; almost as if I’m letting myself and others down.

As I am discovering other skills and fleshing those skills out into careers that interest me, I am excited for the future. And I am flippin’ terrified. But I am a different person than I was before treatment. Now that I am not so focused on my health, it’s time for me to allow myself permission to explore other careers in a non-perfectionistic way. I am not a failure because I’m shifting gears away from what I know best. Theatre is not all that I am. My dreams are allowed to change.

 

 

 

 

Happy Pride, btw Gender is a Construct

Happy Pride month, to all my beautiful humans!

 

GENDER IS A CONSTRUCT

 

I’ve been ashamed of discussing my fears of expression, mostly because I don’t fully understand them myself. But it’s Pride, so screw the fear! I want to live up to my core value of authenticity. It’s difficult to share my insecurities, and I know that when I do it, I always feel better. And I hope it’s helpful to others, too.

 

I have never felt fully aligned as feminine; I prefer pants and shorts to dresses and skirts. If I can wear Keds instead of heels, I will. I hate carrying a purse, and wished women’s pants had larger pockets. When I can afford it, I will get breast reduction surgery, but in the meantime I bind my breasts. This is how I feel the most comfortable.

While I’ve felt this way for a long time, I’ve recently been able to label those feelings. I feel extensively uncomfortable in my own skin and I don’t feel like I have any sense of personal style. I have been discussing gender fluidity and gender as a spectrum with my therapists and friends lately, which I am finally starting to understand on a level I hadn’t before.

This weekend is LA Pride (so of course I’m sitting in an LA coffee shop in tie dye as I write this) and it will be my first time binding in public. Actually, it will be my first time presenting masculine in public. I’m still very nervous, but I think it’s fitting that my first time presenting this way is during an event that was created to be a safe place to do this exact thing. Yes, it’s scary as shit to suddenly change my look in front of everyone, especially when I worry about folks thinking I’m a “poser” or something like that. And I am so excited to feel comfortable in my own skin and feel like I’m wearing clothes that make me feel like me.

I recently overheard a guy in a coffee shop yelling at his girlfriend who told him she’s cutting her hair. He kept yelling “No! Why?!” Really? Will she be so repulsive with short hair that you won’t want to be with her anymore? Will she not be feminine enough for you? These are the reasons I am afraid of expressing myself in other ways.

Earlier this year I cut my hair pretty short to defy female beauty standards; I was tired of feeling like I would only be attractive if I had long hair. I once wrote a post about my experience working at a pretty high quality restaurant in Beverly Hills when I first moved here (read it here). I hadn’t figured it out yet, but when I would cry on my way to and from work because of the way I had to present myself, I was experiencing this same conflict that I plan on defying tomorrow. This is the beginning of me exploring my own gender presentation. And it doesn’t mean I don’t identify as a woman, because I do, I’m simply wearing the clothes that make me feel like me. This is the start of my journey to figure out what my style is; what helps me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin.

It’s ok if some days I wear a binder and other days I don’t. I can paint my nails one day, remove it the next. There is no right or wrong in the way I choose to express myself. The bonus: I’m now feeling freedom to discover these things as I am not as focused on eating disorder behaviors.

Love is love is love is love, and my friends will love me no matter what clothes I wear.

Happy Pride, everyone.

 

101 Thanks You

Dang…turns out my last post, It’s the Final Countdown, was my 100th post on the blog! Holy mackerel!

I just wanted to express my gratitude to all of my readers, old and new, for caring about what I have to say. This blog has been one of the best decisions I have made, and I am so happy my random stories, poems, opinions, etc. have an audience. To each and every one of you reading this right now, THANK YOU!

There’s more where that came from! Get ready for the next 100 posts about life after treatment. You can look forward to posts about Pride, chronicles of my move back to LA, and a new and exciting addition to the blog! Stay tuned!

Much love and endless thanks,

K

Life After Bullies

i wonder if adults
ever look back
to the havoc they caused
in other children’s lives
i wonder if the bullies knew
their hateful words affected
someone so deeply that
twenty years later
that person finally began
to claw their way out
from under the stone
you threw all those
years ago

why don’t we try harder
to teach children that
words hurt
how did they learn
to be so cruel
at such a young age
life throws enough stones
we don’t need bullies
to pile on

i wonder what my life
would look like if
i wasn’t told
i wore the wrong clothes
or ate the wrong lunch
or liked the wrong music
i wonder what my life
would look like if
i played with friends
at recess instead of
walked the track
with my math teacher

i’d like to think
i’m stronger now
but it would have been
so much better
to develop that strength
independent of fear
and rejection
to test my strength
in other ways

now adults are
picking up the pieces
left by hurtful kids
trying to become their
own person separate
from the who they
thought they were
because others
told them so


I am very passionate about the affects of bullying and cyberbullying that children experience in schools. To learn more about how to make a change, please visit the following sites:

https://www.stopbullying.gov/

http://stompoutbullying.org/

https://rachelschallenge.org/

160,000 STUDENTS SKIP SCHOOL EVERY DAY FOR FEAR OF BEING BULLIED.

 

Allowing Rest (& giraffes)

Y’all, it’s been a crazy week. I’ve been hella busy between program and my lovely mother visiting!

I beat myself up when I don’t post as often as I would like, but today I’m going to allow myself to rest, enjoy time with my mom, and allow my brain to incubate. This weekend I promise I will be back to your regularly scheduled blogging! In the meantime, please see the picture below of a giraffe trying to eat a branch stuck in his lil’ feed basket. (Unrelated: the San Diego Zoo is bomb.)

Peace and love,
K

IMG_7264.JPG
This picture is without zoom. That’s how close I was to this majestic creature.

A GoFundMe for the Blog!

To my beautiful readers,

I had an exciting opportunity arise recently that would be an amazing way to promote this blog! However, I don’t have a domain name yet because it’s a luxury I literally can’t afford at the moment due to treatment and my lack of income. I would love your help so I can start giving out a real web address, and continue making my blog the best that it can be. Even if you can only give a dollar, I would be eternally grateful.

https://www.gofundme.com/aud6hg-my-official-blog

Endless love and gratitude,

K