putting down the rope

This #MentalHealthMonday is a doozy for me as I fight to #endthestigma and challenge my perfectionism and social anxiety. TW: self-harm.

Growing up I struggled with self-harm; Sasha constantly told me that I would be more beautiful with bruises and scars covering my body, so I did as she said and destroyed my body, again and again. And she was happy, again and again. It wasn’t until I saw a therapist here in San Diego and admitted to what I was doing that I realized it was wrong. Sasha was mad that I had shared our secret, so she made me feel exponential shame, which she soothed by convincing me to hurt myself once more. The cycle continued.

One day- I can’t tell you what was so special about this day- I decided to give my limbs and skin a break from the beating they were taking. And I picked up a paintbrush. Don’t ask me why I decided to opt for an art form I had never tried before. Sasha told me I was shit, and that I shouldn’t even try. But something in me told her to sit down, and she did.

Below you will see what came from this art project. It ended up moving me beyond belief and filling me in ways my self-harm never could. Suddenly, everything I was feeling was on my body. Better yet, it was temporary. Paint does no harm, and this was the day that my self-harm went into hibernation.

The poetry below represents my twisted thoughts during my self-injury period.

On April 3, 2018 I collected all of the items I used to harm myself and gave them to my therapist. I made a commitment to safety. To love my body and it’s beauty, with and without scars.

 

with hands around your throat
and scars across your face
you have a story to tell
that makes you more interesting
than you were before
the bruises will heal
but the stories
never will

skin is a blank canvas
meant to be punctured
with spatters of painted blood
that turn something
ordinary
into something
extraordinary

porcelain they call it
but they never understood
something so empty and fragile
was bound to break
and create many more
fragments to love

rest easy child
i have you now
your battles are mine
to fight
it’s time for you 
to let go
and leave it
to me