putting down the rope

Hello readers!

My, what a whirlwind it’s been lately. There’s much to say; some good, some not so good, some great.

To start, some sad news. I got a call from my dad a few weeks ago; we thought my aunt was going to die. She is my closest extended relative, so that news hit me hard. Turns out, she’s still alive (yay!), but she’s in bad shape.

After I found out my aunt was in the hospital, I wound up in the hospital again. Everything overwhelmed me, and I could no longer find the will to keep fighting through it. I didn’t necessarily want to die, but I certainly didn’t want to live. I wanted to escape. Run away from it all. I relapsed in self-harm and fell deep into my depressive pit. That’s when I realized I needed to take some time to reset, away from the stressors that were so triggering, and learn to be a functioning adult again.

That said, it’s with sadness and more than a sliver of hope that I announce I am moving back home to Nashville next month.

I am 100% comfortable with my decision and know it’s the right move for right now, however, I am sad to be leaving my favorite city and all of my friends and the job I’ve come to love. But I am ready to get some wins under my belt, and feel confident in moving back to LA as a healthy and stable woman.

I’m also stoked to be headed to Music City and continue exploring my interest in the music industry.

Speaking of which, this past weekend I went on tour with the band tiLLie, selling merch and helping out as I could. It was a short tour- just three days- which was perfect for my first tour. It was just long enough to thoroughly exhaust me while still remaining fulfilling. It reminded me how much I long to be a part of the music industry, and how much music shapes my life. Which brings me to the newest revelation in my crazy mental health journey: I’m finally feeling again!

I saw A Star is Born the other day and wept at how beautiful one of the songs was. (Ok, I wept at many of the other scenes, too.) It’s been a long time since I have been able to express emotion like that. That film did a lot to me. And tour did, as well. It reminded me how much music saves me all the time. Constantly. As well as being a part of something. Remember that scene from Almost Famous when William is watching Stillwater from side stage for the first time? And Kate Hudson takes his pen away so that he can just enjoy the show? That is one of my all-time favorite scenes in a film because it reminds me of the times I’ve felt that way and how much those moments have brought me back to myself and who I am inspired to be. And A Star is Born has that same type of scene with Ally at side stage watching Jack perform. (If you haven’t seen the film yet, fucking run to see it.)

Being on tour was amazing, but also started off with me feeling like an outsider. I am new to the music community, and I didn’t know the band all that well before we left for tour. I was a fan of tiLLie’s music before I started working for her, and I remained one while on tour. Every night the band would sound check and I would be in the room feeling like this was where I was meant to be. But watching all of the artists in the room, I felt like a loser. In fact, I downright hated myself.

I was texting my partner nightly, explaining how much I wished I were different, that I could fit in with these people. I wanted to be cooler, and instead, I felt like the same kid who was bullied in middle school for being too different. For being ugly. For not fitting in, or standing out. I was boring. And my depression had a blast reminding me of how boring, talentless, and aimless I was while I was on tour.

And it’s true; if I could, I would become who I want to be. And maybe that’s wrong of me, and maybe you’ll comment and tell me to love myself for who I am, but I just can’t. I know there’s someone better inside me, I just need to dig her out. Some things I have no control over. I know that. But the things that I do have control over, I know I can change. The rest, I’m learning to accept. It’s a slow journey. One of the slowest journies, in fact, and I am a very impatient person.

If I could, I would call my aunt and tell her all of these things. But I can’t. So, I’m trying to imagine what she would say. I know it would start with “Oh honey…”- her signature phrase- and would move to a rallying cry of how proud she is of me and how beautiful and talented I am. She is my #1 cheerleader. So, selfishly, I wish I could talk to her about all of this so she could remind me that at least one person thinks I’m special.

But despite all of that, I had a blast on tour and wound up having a great time with the band. And even though my brain keeps telling me how talentless I am, I really do want to start writing again (I never should have stopped) and continue pursuing the things that make me happy.

I’ll find the time to go more into detail about my latest mental health foray, but for now, I’ll leave you on this happy note. Because happiness has been difficult to find lately.

 

PS- Yesterday marked TWO WEEKS with no self-harm! Back on the road to recovery!