I know it’s been a while since I’ve published on the blog. I’ve been getting settled in LA, started a new job, and moved in to a new apartment. Life has been a whirlwind. On top of that, I’ve been dealing with some major depression lately. I felt it was appropriate to talk about on World Suicide Prevention Day.
It was my birthday a few days ago, one that I’ve been looking forward to for a while. I’m officially in my mid-twenties, and I had wild ideas in my head of what this birthday would look like. However, when the day rolled around, I found myself unable to get out of bed other than to eat the breakfast my partner got for me. I had wanted to go to the beach, go out to eat, see friends, and take photos with my new camera…none of which I was able to do. I felt helpless. Worthless. Alone. Despite having someone by my side all day.
Fortunately, my having to go to work that night forced me to get out of bed and use my coping skills, and I ended up having a great evening; I was able to attend and enjoy my friends’ band’s tour kickoff with some of my good friends.
However, the next day I was right back in bed. I’ve slept more than I have in months, getting 12 hours of sleep a night and then taking multiple naps during the day because I can’t find anything better to do. I’m fighting every cell in my body to use the skills I’ve learned in my last couple treatment centers; my parents paid a lot of money for me to have access to these skills, and when I have to fight to use them, I feel like I’m letting them down. Which, of course, adds to the depression.
I’m not saying all of this to gain your pity. I’m doing this to out myself. Remember Sasha? She’s the one that’s been driving the bus lately, and I can’t seem to get her to stop. The only way I seem to know how is to expose her. That’s what I’ve learned about Sasha; she hates the spotlight, the shadows fuel her.
I’ve been in the hospital twice for having suicidal thoughts, both of which were fairly recent. I keep my hospital wristbands visible in my car so that I may be reminded of how glad I am that I am still alive. Even on my worst day, seeing my name on those two bands is a great reminder that I have survived worse, and that I will make it through today. (I plan on doing a separate post, or maybe even a podcast episode, on destigmatizing going to the hospital for suicidal thoughts. There is no shame in doing it.)
I am so endlessly grateful to my friends and family who have reached out to me lately to check in and see how I’m doing. You don’t know how much that means to me, even if I can’t fully express it in the moment. So keep reaching out to your loved ones. Continue making yourself available to your Facebook friends, your followers, even to strangers. That is the biggest piece of advice I can give today. Please don’t stay silent. Don’t assume your friends are doing ok. I’d like to think I can mask my depression pretty well, and I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who has that capability. Depression is a terrible illness that is good at sneaking up on you and staying hidden in the shadows. When you reach out, you help shine a light on that depression.
Everyone has the power of helping someone feel a little less alone. Don’t forget that.
To those who, like me, are struggling today: I see you. You are not weak for having a mental illness. You are not weak for struggling. You are strong. You are brave. You are not alone, even though it may be the way you feel.
I take comfort in the fact that, while I feel incredibly lonely, I somehow know that I am not the only one who feels that way. Even in loneliness, there is community.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255