To my beautiful readers,

I had an exciting opportunity arise recently that would be an amazing way to promote this blog! However, I don’t have a domain name yet because it’s a luxury I literally can’t afford at the moment due to treatment and my lack of income. I would love your help so I can start giving out a real web address, and continue making my blog the best that it can be. Even if you can only give a dollar, I would be eternally grateful.

https://www.gofundme.com/aud6hg-my-official-blog

Endless love and gratitude,

K

how do i open my mouth
and let the truth pour out
like cement
hot and slick
until it hardens
and coats my legs
until they’re stiff
immovable

how do i express
what has never
been expressed
a new thought
that has formed
and taken hold
of my mind
so much of me says
keep your mouth shut
you are beautiful
just the way you are
but another longs
for someone to
see me
reach in
and yank the hand
that’s holding me
so tight
too tight

–

how do I thank you
for your kindness
your patience
and compassion
when i invite you
to reach into my
mind and grasp
that hand that
grips me tight
massaging the muscles
until I can feel it
release
ever so slightly
for allowing me
to feel and breathe
again

First things first: I’m fine. I’m typing this at home, in my bed, with a stomach full of hospital Jello.

As much as I would love to write this post about how hot my ER doctor was (I swear, he was super attractive), I wanted to capture the hours I spent in the ER with some amazing friends.

I had to leave my ED program early today because my treatment team was concerned about some new symptoms I began experiencing. One minute I was getting ready for cooking class with my dietician, and the next I was checking in to the Emergency Room. I had called a friend who had already left program for the day, and she came to hang out with me in the waiting room. As I was waiting with her, my friends from program reached out to me, asking if I was okay and wondering where I had gone. When I mentioned the ER they all sprung to action, asking me if I needed anything, particularly some company. I ended up having multiple friends come hang out while I spent the evening with an IV in my arm and heat packs strapped to my body. Those who couldn’t come still improved my evening and were comforting just by being there via text.

Yes, I spent too many hours in the hospital today, but I actually had a great night hanging out with my friends. It means a lot when your friends move mountains for you, and I am eternally grateful that mine were willing to come hang out with me for so long. In a hospital, no less! (They didn’t even know about the cute doctor before they came!)

All of this reminded me that while treatment has been incredibly difficult, it has graced me with so many new friends that I would do anything for. And of course, a bomb-ass roommate who brought me a sweater when hospital blankets did not do the trick.

Now, please enjoy this photo of hospital socks on my hands- a past-time I enjoyed when I was approximately 4 years old.

1. Getting out of bed today
2. Eating leftovers (aka a huge ED challenge for me)
3. Sitting in the same chair I felt sick in last night (Emetophobia: 0 Kelsey: 1)

Some days it’s easier to focus on the failures rather than the successes. Not today! Gotta start somewhere.

Dorothy had it easy
She had a goal she was pursuing
and came to a fork in the road
where the Scarecrow to gave her two options
of which road to go down
Only two choices
That way is a very nice way
he pointed
It’s pleasant down that way, too
See, Dorothy
You have two options
And both are described as nice and pleasant
Plain and simple

I, like Dorothy
have an end goal I am trying to reach
A wizard waiting for me in the Emerald City
But instead of a scarecrow
pointing to two distinct choices
There lies a tangle of vines
All whipping in the wind
Each end pointing in a different direction
There is no friendly face
There is no pleasant choice
There are endless trails with no clear beginning
that I must forge myself
by cutting through the bramble
But which way to go?
How do I reach the
Great and Powerful Oz?

This is what I face
in my depressive mind
Every decision is coming to a fork
in the road
But the fork isn’t a fork
It’s a tangle of vines
And no matter which direction
I choose
Cutting through the thorns will hurt
and I can’t see through it to the
other side
Nothing is pleasant or nice
It’s scary and exhausting and
more often than not
not worth it as the
fog that fills my mind
twists my life into one long
puzzle that will never get solved

Count yourself lucky Dorothy
Life isn’t always in multicolor
With friendly scarecrows to
join you on your journey
to hold your hand and pull
you forward
in one direction or another
There are endless roads
Never-ending paths that
seem too daunting to start

So I just
stay where I am
sunken into the earth
too confused and tired to
pick myself up off the
Yellow Brick Road
and skip towards a
new direction
Instead I sleep like the
Tin Man waiting for someone
to free him from his
Stillness

exhaustion

Happy #MentalHealthMonday everyone! I thought I would spend today discussing effectiveness and its relationship with depression (or anxiety, or eating disorders, or anything you may be struggling with).

*Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. My word is not gospel. What works for me, may not work for you, so take this advice with a grain of salt.

A funny thing happens when you let a disorder take control of your life. Suddenly, impatience increases, self-confidence drops, maladaptive behaviors get reinforced, and your life worth living seems farther and farther away. By that point, it’s hard to take baby steps in the direction of your long-term goals, because you are so caught up in whatever disorder is holding you back.

For me, depression kept getting in the way. It told me that my long-term goals were too far away that they weren’t worth working towards. If I couldn’t achieve them immediately, they weren’t worth achieving. This is what we like to call “black and white thinking.” All or nothing. I am the queen of black and white thinking. I always say impatience is my fatal flaw. Recently, I’ve edited that statement to now say “Impatience is Sasha’s secret weapon.” That said, how do I get Sasha to put that weapon back where it came from?

Well, it helped me identify what long-term goal drives my motivation; what reminder will be the kick in the pants I need to get out of bed, to apply for that job, to eat that meal. Once you identify the goal, you can then tailor your kick in the pants around that. For me, one of the goals I am most excited about achieving is owning my own dog. Particularly a German Shepherd. So, I found an adorable dog on the German Shepherd Rescue of Orange County’s website, took a screenshot, and sent it to my therapist. I then told her to send it to me anytime I get stuck with a strong urge to act on an ineffective behavior. When that wasn’t enough, I took the additional step to really reinforce the positive of achieving this goal; I set a picture of a German Shepherd puppy as the lock screen on my phone. Any time I looked at my phone- Bam! A reminder to keep crawling, to continue putting down the rope of my depression/anxiety/ED/perfectionism.

Maybe you want to be a pet owner, like me. Maybe there’s a job you want to apply for, or a place you want to travel to. Whatever the goal, figure out a way to create a positive reinforcer that you can encounter regularly to jump start your effective behaviors. Each day you are effective, you get closer and closer to your long-term goals.

Someday, I will wake up every day looking at a face like this. But before that can happen, I need to stay recovery minded, eliminate maladaptive behaviors, and take it one step at a time. Sasha can put down that weapon; it doesn’t matter how far away this puppy is, he will be in my life someday. And someday is good enough for me.

i am a snail

on a road one thousand miles long

every inch i crawl is exhausting

but the more slime i leave in my wake

is a reminder of how far i’ve come

and how good it will feel once i reach

the end

Happy Easter, y’all. Keep crawling!