I’ve noticed that when things get particularly difficult in my life, I want to hide them away. I don’t want to write about them on the blog, and I don’t even want to write them in my journal. I censor myself in case some future me looks back at the entries and… Well that’s the thing. I don’t know how to finish that sentence. What am I so afraid of?
I think the answer is judgment. Subconsciously, I recognize that I am my own worst critic, so I try to deny my future self the ability to judge my past choices or actions. But what good is that doing me?
By keeping my pain inside, I’m denying the opportunity to heal. I’m also denying myself the chance to grow through authenticity. Who knows, someone else may relate to my experience and offer support or guidance. And by writing down my struggles, perhaps it will get me out of my own head and shift my perspective.
So, here goes:
Quarantine is really getting to me. Being stuck at home since March without even the ability to go to the grocery store or run a quick errand is weighing so heavily on me. The other day all I wanted to do was give myself a manicure, but I don’t even have the luxury of running to CVS to browse the nail polish colors. I’m bored most of the time, and am losing interest in the things that usually keep me busy or distracted.
On top of all that, my unemployment benefits have run out and the leave/furlough option I was using with my employer has ended, so I’m staring down the face of termination and unemployment. Uncertainty surrounds me, and loneliness is ever present. I’m scared.
If anyone can relate (or even if you can’t) and has activities or ideas that might help the boredom and restlessness, I’d love to hear them in the comments below.
For those in similar situations, I’d love to create community with you. The comments of this post (or any post on my site) are a safe space for you to share your experience, and please know that I hold space for you to be yourself, even if you’d prefer to do it anonymously. This is a judgment-free zone that is shrouded in love.
If it ever feels like too much for you to handle on your own, I encourage you to reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting “HELP” to 741-741. Lately I’ve been reaching out to them often, and it allows me to catch my breath and recall the tools I have within me to stay grounded and take these uncertain and scary times one day, one hour, one minute at a time. There is no shame in texting the Crisis Line, and you remain completely anonymous if you choose to reach out.