putting down the rope

My biggest fear. Might as well cut to the chase, since it’s what you’re all here for.

I’m terrified of never achieving greatness in any aspect of my life.

I feel average at everything I do.  Writing, ASL, singing, songwriting, poetry, directing, stage management, photography, critiquing art…etc. etc. etc. Even my work ethic is average.

Now, I recognize that some of these things I have just begun and therefore I can’t accurately judge whether I will be good at them or not. And often my depression gets in the way of me really pushing myself. So I don’t even know if I will ever be able to work towards greatness. But so far, I feel perfectly average.

And that makes me wonder if I will ever be great at anything. Or will I just coast through everything I set off to do? My latest adventures has been making music; songwriting, and I want to learn how to play an instrument (well, more than one instrument, but that’s beside the point), but I bet I won’t be any good at that, either.

I was watching the movie Megan Leavey, which begins with Megan feeling aimless and lonely, so she joins the Marines. Now, I don’t want to join the Marines, however, I do feel very similar to the way the character Megan does in the film. And all that aimlessness and average feelings lead me to feel pretty hopeless. It makes me wonder what the future holds for me.

I have just moved home to figure out what the hell I’m going to do with my life, and how I am going to support myself while doing something I enjoy. It’s hard for me to accept that I will be good at anything I do if I don’t enjoy it.

Fortunately, I am feeling healthy enough to know that just because I feel aimless now doesn’t mean the feeling will last forever. Sasha has been trying to tell me just to give up, but I’m not letting her win!