putting down the rope

i stare dead into the face
of my disorder
it is beautiful
a ravenous glow
that makes me hungry
for the beauty it possesses
it pulls me towards it

stimulated
i sway towards the light
moving through a thick fog
when from behind i feel
my name trickle into
my consciousness
the glowing light in front of me
suddenly flares as i
turn to the direction of
the voice
the light so blinding
it’s hard to make out shapes
colors seem distorted

there it is again
my name like silk
like something familiar
calling me home after a long day
through the ether hanging like a
curtain upon my eyelashes
a form materializes
and i can make out
an outstretched hand
i walk towards it
the warmth from the mass of light
behind me flutters
against my skin
as i spot another form
another hand stretched towards me
welcoming
comforting
the two forms are shoulder to shoulder
when another joins them
and another
until there is a sea

an army
reaching out for me
and i realize
they aren’t anonymous creatures
they are women
each with a distinct aura
all radiating care and love
they seem resistant to the illumination
that i have left in my wake
and their hands seem soothing
like a still pool of water
the heat continues to shroud me
yearning for me to reciprocate
and envelop it’s rays
yet there is something so magnetic
that allows me to reach out
and grasp at the closest hand

there is a slight shudder
a disturbance in the temperature
and the woman reaches up
with her other hand
and douses my eyes
with her fingers
washing away the curtain
and i feel a change
a match struck

when i turn to face
the warm glow of my disorder
i find that it is a roaring fire
sparking and spitting
angrily towards me
i look down at my clothes
they are singed and smoking
falling from my body like ashes
it’s as if a kaleidoscope is removed
from my vision
changing the soft light
to an inferno
that was burning me alive
engulfing my existence

i step back into the arms of the
women that surround me
forming a wall that withstands
the increasingly burning ugliness
cooling my skin as they
barricade me from the blaze
they guide my mind
teaching me how to
douse the flame

 

-to the army of women on staff at my treatment center. this is for you.